my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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