I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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