This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
