so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
