allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize