O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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