i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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