Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
