Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
