I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
