I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
