my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Randomize