Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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