I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
