we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize
