Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
