yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize