just come out here and I will go home with you...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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