We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
