Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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