this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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