woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
