Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
