Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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