Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
