remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
