apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
