I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
