what day is it and did you see me today?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
