I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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