You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I have post one night stand depression
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