Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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