Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
