I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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