Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
