When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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