Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
