They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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