I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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