She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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