i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
