Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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