I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize