ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
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