Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
