4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
