Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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