I am puke
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
