Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
