The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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