1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
