So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
