never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
