Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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