I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
