i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
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