Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
