Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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