Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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