I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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