I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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