It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
My ATM looks so different sober.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
