I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
