Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
