I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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