Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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