I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Enjoy the penises
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
