We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
